Guilt

I know I haven't written for a few days, but to be honest I had no idea what to say next.

It was kind of scary to read my words out there for the world to see. Scary and freeing.
But what do I say next?
Where do I go now?
This isn't an easy thing to talk about. It's not something you can just bring up casually in conversation.
It's not something that I really want to share... it makes me vulnerable... I feel weak.

There are so many people out there who are in situations worse then mine. How can I be so focused on trivial things when others don't know where they are going to sleep, what they'll eat, where they will be safe...

Guilt..
I feel bad thinking about myself. Focusing on me. And why? Cause my self esteem issues are rooted in the physical.
What is it about what I look like?

So, I'll start there...
So what do I hate? What make me uncomfortable? What would I love to change?
I hate my thighs and stomach... my cellulite
I hate my flabby bits, my many (perceived) imperfections...

I hate that I worry about being judged

But it's not all bad, and that's important to remember!
So what do I love about myself?
I love my little feet
My long arms
My eyes.
I love my hair, my jaw, my nose.

But I could never show that...
That would take confidence... that would mean showing the world I love myself...

And that is what I really need to do now, is love myself. All of me. Inside and out.

xoxo - S

So, what's REALLY going on...

So, I know blogs are supposed to be personal as well as informational. With this in mind, I am going to try and start posting more about what's going on for me...
Well, the reason I started this blog was to look at how beauty and image is projected by the media and the effects that can have. I feel really strongly that there are too many amazing, talented, beautiful, intelligent women out there who feel badly about themselves because they do not look like girls in magazines, TV, the movies.

I should know, I was.... correction I am one of them.

I have struggled with self esteem issues most of my life. I can pretty much pin point it to a moment in Jr. High... something I am sure a lot of people can relate to. At the time it's painful and you think you will get past it ... it's only 3 years, of school right?

But moments like that can sometimes make a lasting impression...

leave painful scars...

and as ANY girl knows, there's not a cream invented yet to make any scar completely disappear.

It's easy to cover it up.

You can hide it,

 mask it,

draw attention away from it...

But it's still there...

So I am going to use my for my own healing. I hope that airing some of what I have  been through (and am going through) will not only help me get past some of my self-esteem issues, but let other people who are struggling know they aren't alone.

So here is to the journey, 

xoxo -S

I've been meaning to write.

...It's true... I have...

I just haven't had the time that I wish I did...

Or more precisely,

I haven't MADE the time.

That is all about to change however.

I am now going to take more time for me...

Why?

Cause I DESERVE it!

That simple statement, while easy for some, is hard for me to admit

But it's true.

I deserve to be happy.

I deserve to love myself.

I deserve to take time to appreciate who I am.

So, I will write, create and  do all the things that I find myself missing.
...  all because I am worth it...
xoxo- S

Doing This for Me

I've Decided I'm Doing This for Me - Unknown
I'm doing this for me. Not for those who called me too fat to be pretty.
Not for the snooty vendors who look down on me when I try on dresses.
Not for those who say "Too bad, she has a pretty face".
Not to make my parents happy.
Not to fit in to a stereotypical idea of beauty.


I'm doing this to get healthy.


To show myself that I can.
To be a strong woman: I can be athletic. I can be beautiful.
I want to feel good in my own skin.
I want to find MYSELF beautiful.
I want to look in my mirror and smile.


I don't want to think "What if I felt good in my skin ..." anymore.
I don't want to look at a beautiful dress and think "Too bad..."
I don't want to think of myself in disgust. My body and I deserve better than that.
I don't want to mistreat my body. It's not my own little garbage can.
I don't want to devalue my health.
I do not want to binge and purge, binge and purge.
I do not want to punish myself anymore.


I'm going to do this, slowly but surely.

And it has made all the difference.

A narrowing view...

In the same week that Victoria Secret model Candice Swanepoel is criticized for being to thin, then university of Arizona has released a study showing that "fat prejudice" is on the rise. This prejudice is not confined to North America however, where most studies have been done, but has spread to areas where a women's curves have been associated with youth, fertility and beauty in the past (think Latin American and African cultures).
The North American fear of fat and fat prejudice is nothing new however. A 2006 study documented the American public views on fat when a report showed that a majority would rather be blind or dead then obese. Since approximately 1 in 10 of the world population is classified as obese, this is a large amount of people.
It is interesting that rather than becoming more broad in our definition of beauty, it seems that the focus is becoming even more narrow. More concerning is the fact that as North American culture spreads, so does their concept of what is beautiful. If we consider the images and messages that we are inundated with on a daily basis, it is not unreasonable to think that there could be many people who are experiencing not only the effects of what could be called "fatism" or "sizism" but also many feelings of self-loathing...
and with 1 in 10 being classified as obese and approximately an additional 4 in 10 being classified as overweight, that's a lot of discrimination.
So what does this mean for you and me? Just to be a conscious consumer of media and what you are being told. Make those choices based on what fits for you, not what you're told fits or told what should fit. Because the next person that gets judged could be you.